May 16th, 2014
In this economy, we have come to accept that having a job, any job, is of the highest importance and value. However, actually working the job makes it feel anything but. More and more time and energy is spent on a job that has no reflection of the person you are or hope to be. This snow balls into increasing feelings of resentment, dissatisfaction and panic. It began with excitement for finally getting a job which offered a good salary, benefits and opportunities for advancement. I assumed this was all that mattered, but was mistaken. Do not get me wrong, a paycheck is important and necessary for survival, but at what point does your life become solely valued by the amount written on that paycheck. When the job ceases to reflect your values, person or contain any remnants of humanity at all, working just for a paycheck starts to feel like a violation of life and livelihood rather than something that fosters it.
The first question at social gatherings usually is “What do you do?”. In our society, people like to have an immediate understanding the individuals they interact with. The quickest way to do this is to find out what they do for a “living”. Then, people can be immediately categorized and stereotyped. It would take far too much time and effort for our minds if we had to delve deeper and expand upon these understandings for each individual encountered. I found that I dreaded that question, because I was ashamed of the answer. An answer that told them nothing about who I am, want to be, what I value, my views on the world. I know that most people hate their jobs, that what they do should not and is not directly indicative of them as individuals, but I can’t help the pull to find a career that is fulfilling and does grant a glimmer of who I am in it. After all, we will spend most of our lives working. But then the very real, difficult and terrifying questions arise- what do I want to do, who do I want to be, what do I value, what do I want to do with my life, is finding something one enjoys that is also profitable even possible?
Faced with panic about the course of my life, I couldn’t shake the need to start over and seek out something more. I didn’t know this would be the most difficult (and possibly horrifying) thing to do. To ask the hard questions, to leave a structured path that offered security and salary for nothing but more questions, fear, unemployment and no guarantees. Unfortunately, this is not the romanticized girl in the city, makes huge change and comes out on top movie. This is the scared shitless, unsure, not confident this will even work or get better, what the hell did I just do, hope I even just come out and see you on the other side version.
If you haven’t already guessed, this is my quarter-life crisis. Welcome.
At this point in my life, I have become very familiar with fear. I spent much time trying to find the answers, direction, anything to give me some footing. I found nothing clear, concise or foolproof. Nothing to comfort me about any life decisions. So the overanalyzing and overthinking of things, possible scenarios, seemingly inevitable failure or slimly possible success continues. That horrible loop playing in my head would not cease, but also lent no more answers no matter how long it played. This constant trying to but not seeing a clear path leads to fear and paralysis. This is the point where you continue what you are doing, for fear of the unknown and fear of failure. This is the cuddling up with fear, leaving all other possibilities open but unexplored and resulting in paralysis. Why would you leave the comfort of a schedule, employment, income, climbing the ladder? Because you know what the present is like, that the climb and highest rung look short and crappy even from here. And there it is. Fear of the unknown is less scary than the fear of continuing on this path. I could conjure an idea of what my life would look like should I continue, and that scared the shit out of me far more than guessing in the dark. And through this is revealed the biggest fear of all. The fear of regret.
I must say, I tend to do the “end of my life” test often. This is where you pretend that you are 98 years old, at the end of your life and looking back. What would you want to have done? What kind of person would you like to be and have been? I was researching articles on what people say they regret the most in life and, among the many, I found this piece on “The Top 5 Regrets of the Dying”:
http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2012/feb/01/top-five-regrets-of-the-dying
In today’s world, it seems less and less feasible to slow down and take time to recognize what we find important in our lives. To ask the hard questions and seek out ways to make things better, whether it be career questions, family, personal health, etc. However, perhaps there is much to gain from the responses of those who have gone through it to the end. I am not saying you have to take crazy risks or completely give up things or make enormous changes, but I do think it is worth it to try and find ways to remind ourselves of what matters, who we are and ask how can I increase happiness and fulfillment in my life? Maybe sometimes it does take huge changes and making tough choices, others maybe it is a culmination of smaller changes. This is not the self-help, step by step guide, how-to manual on life. I have no idea how or why the world works as it does. I do not guarantee success. I do not think taking risks or making changes will eliminate regret. But I do believe that if I don’t try, even if the result is failure, I won’t even be able to say I at least attempted it and that does guarantee regret. If that were to happen, my 98 year old self would want to kick my present day ass for sure, and I don’t think I could do that to an old lady on her death bed.
theunemploymenthandbook 